The Cracker Girl's Guide to Creepy Critters, Part I

   
     One thing everyone knows about Florida is that we have lots of creepy critters. I really didn't know that Florida had this reputation until we were thinking of relocating to Washington State. The realtor was showing me house after house, and I finally asked why the windows didn't have screens. She looked at me, mouth agape, and said, "We don't have an insect problem like you do in Florida." Add to that experience, the general fright of newcomers when they see that first cockroach take flight or find a gigantic buffo toad. Natives know that we have all kinds of scary, crawling, flying, creepy animals, and we're used to them. Well, more or less. I don't think I know anyone who enjoys the sound of whirring wings as a cockroach takes flight--right at your face!

    In particular, I have issues with frogs, toads, and lizards. As long as I can remember, I've been afraid of frogs. The fear started with seeing little green tree frogs on the screen of Granny's door up in Okeechobee. The way that they puff out their throats really frightened me. And there were always at least a dozen of them on every screen in the house.Every time I'd go to take a shower, there they would be, clinging to the screen right above the shower. Throwing their necks out and peeping. I was totally convinced that they would squeeze themselves through the shower head and come plopping down on me. This is not a joke; I really would have a hard time showering because of those frogs. On July 24, 1969, that fear came true. I was getting a shower early that evening so I could watch the moon landing with Granny, Granddaddy, and the rest of the family. I was washing my hair, when, from the corner of my eye, I thought I saw the green tile move. I shut my eyes and rinsed my hair. Then, when I opened my eyes, I thought I saw the tile move again. I looked at the screen--nope, the frogs were still there. Or were they? As I turned to pull back the shower curtain, I saw them. A dozen tree frogs sitting on the shower tiles! I screamed, grabbed a towel, and ran out of that bathroom. That's when I heard Uncle Larry and the rest of them laughing! He had caught and filled that shower with frogs. Apparently, he thought that was a funny practical joke. You can be sure that I checked those shower tiles very carefully every time I took a shower after that night.

Bufo Toad--I am NOT holding it!

    Unfortunately, South Florida is host to many invasive species. One of these is the cane toad, the buffo toad. Those things are huge. They have poison on their skin that can make a dog or cat sick, and sometimes even kill them. As afraid as I am of tiny green tree frogs, that fear is multiplied for those huge, ugly toads. We had one that lived near the gas tank at the back of our house. When I would mow the yard, that thing would come out and play "chicken" with me. Well, to be honest, if it hopped out, I would just go mow elsewhere---disturbing the strict pattern Daddy set for me to mow. Sometimes, it would jump out at me when I would go to get clothes off the line at dusk. These toads are very aggressive. And they make a hissing noise.Much creepier than the tree frogs, and truly more dangerous.Although, once I could drive, I did find a way to help rid South Florida of this invasive species.  They would cover our street when it was raining. I would drive down the street and run them over. They literally popped like balloons.A most satisfying noise.
     Finally, I have never liked lizards of any type. We had hundreds of the green anole living in our yard.They would also get into the house through loose screens or people leaving the door open.  My head told me that they were not dangerous to me, but my heart said "Run!" when I saw one. I think I was mostly scared of them because my brother Billy would take them and clip them on his ear lobes and nose. Then he'd chase me. All the boys in the neighborhood would play with those lizards. I also did not like when the males would throw that red fan out of their necks when attracting females. That is just freaky. I still do not like lizards. I have a small garden in front, and it is infested with a couple of different types of lizards. If there is one on the sidewalk, it might as well be Gandolph saying, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS." When it decides to move, I continue on my journey.

    

The Incredible Trip--Part One

 
My brother Billy and I are very different. People are surprised that we are siblings. However, we did take one incredible trip together. 

Billy, aka "Doc"

    In the fall of 1994, our Granny passed away. It was arranged that Billy would pick me up at the Christian school where I taught, and we would drive down to Okeechobee together for the funeral. Great plan, right?
I went in to teach a couple of classes before we left. I was dressed for the funeral in a suit. My brother came to the school office. I was in the back, and I heard the receptionist say, "Are you SURE you're here for Mrs. Davis?" "Yeah." I went up and told her that it was fine.I noticed that Doc had on shorts and a t-shirt. Not exactly what I expected for Granny's funeral. I signed out and got ready to leave. A student happened to come in at that moment and asked Billy where was he taking me. "Why the blank do you need to know?" And we were off.
    Our next stop was the gas station. I offered to fill up his tank before we got on the road. I went inside to pay and get him a cup of coffee. When I was paying, the attendant whispered to me, "Are you okay?" I told her that I was with my brother and I was just fine.
    Now on to the highway. We went about half-way with no AC. I was dying in my suit, so I asked if the AC was broken. "Nope," he replied, "I was just waiting for you to ask." That problem was solved, and the journey continued. Slowly. Very slowly. Finally, I asked why was he going so slow. "Well, I've got something under the seat, and I don't want to get pulled over." A gun. He had a gun under the seat. I could just see the headlines: "Christian School Teacher Arrested on Gun Charges." I was fine with his speed now.
    We finally made it to Okeechobee and decided to stop at the McD's for some lunch. By this time, I was really worried about his clothes. He told me he had a suit, so don't worry. We had our lunch, and I went and touched up my make-up. Billy was still in his shorts and t-shirt. I asked him when was he changing. His answer? "Right now." And he changed his clothes right in the parking lot of the McDonald's. Again, those headlines flashed in my mind: "Christian School Teacher Mooned In McD's Parking Lot."

Me

    We finally made it to the funeral home. We saw the family and paid our respects to our Granny. I sat with my sister, and we both teared up as we thought of how happy Granddaddy would be to see the "Old Critter" again.
    When the funeral was over, we made our way out to the cemetery for the grave-side service. We were one of the last cars to arrive. As we  drove up, we could see the family, including many girl cousins we didn't know well,  gathering around the grave. Funny thing, as different as we are, we both burst out singing, "I like my women a little on the trashy side, when they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed."

To be continued...

My Granddaddy

    Boy, this pictures brings back so many memories! This is my Granny and Granddaddy Jones, posing outside of their dairy line house on the MacArthur Dairy in Okeechobee. Granddaddy looks exactly as I remember him. To me, he was the most handsome granddaddy any girl could have! I've been thinking a lot about him lately and how much I miss him.
    Granddaddy, Willie Jones, was born in 1914 in Jasper, Florida. He came from a large farming family. Granddaddy farmed, but he eventually went to work for MacArthur Dairy down in Hollywood, Florida. Granddaddy and Granny moved between Hollywood and McAlpin in the early years, and they eventually moved to Okeechobee when the dairy moved there.  I always found it interesting that Granddaddy and his brother, my Uncle Van, married sisters (Reatha and Lucy Skinner, respectively), so my momma had a set of "double-cousins."  
    Granddaddy was a person who was everybody's  friend. He never met a stranger, and he didn't care what place a person had in society--he approached everyone on his or her own merits. I have never heard anyone speak ill of Willie Jones. He was a man who was universally loved and respected.

Willie and Reatha Jones and unknown dairy owner ready to take a flight  c. 1933

     Granddaddy was a great story teller. I still don't know which of his stories are true and which are not. He told me about his stint in the Army. First, he never thought he'd be drafted because he was married, a farmer, and in his 30's, but he was called and he served. He described taking the train from Scotland down to Southeast England and how beautiful it was. His dream was to make that trip again one day, but he never was able to do so. As far as the fighting, it sounded like a grand adventure! He was in reconnaissance, and he said it was just like hunting squirrels. To Granny's dismay (as the Joneses were officially teetotalers), he told the kids about hiding in the cellar of an old French house and drinking up the cognac they found there. 

        It's the little things that made time with Granddaddy so special. I loved to sit at the breakfast table with him and watch him eat his breakfast. The same thing almost every day: two over-easy eggs, grits, toast, bacon, and a cup of coffee. He'd put the eggs on the grits and pop the yolks, then use the toast to sop up every bite. He "saucered" his coffee--he'd pour a little coffee into the saucer and then sip it. Granddaddy would sit in his chair to watch game shows like "Concentration," "Truth or Consequences," and "Jeopardy." I'd sit on the floor between his knees, and we'd watch and play the game shows together. He was a teaser! He'd slip his feet out of his house shoes and pinch my legs with his toes. "Jeopardy" with Art Fleming was one of his favorite shows--he knew almost all the answers. Granddaddy wasn't an educated man; he never finished high school. But, he was an intelligent man, who loved to read. He passed that love of reading to my mom, and she passed it to me, and I to my kids. 

     He could frustrate us grandkids too. If any one of us would complain, "I'm thirsty!"; he'd answer, "I'm Bill Jones. Nice to meet you." Granddaddy had this whole rhyming sequence he'd have us repeat, and it ended like this: "Rooty Toot" "Rooty Toot" "Onion Soup" "Onion Soup" "Hit me" "Hit me" And then he'd tap us. "Why did you hit me?" "You just asked me to." I think he did that with every grandchild--starting with me. 

     There was another side of Granddaddy as well. He was a man of great faith. I remember his reading his Bible every day. Sometimes I'd see him napping on his bed, he had fallen asleep while reading his Bible and the Bible would be open on his chest. At meals, he would always say the prayer. We would all fold our hands, bow our heads, and wait. Granddaddy prayed so softly, it really was difficult to hear him. Someone would have to say a loud "AMEN" so we would know when to begin eating. One of my uncles asked him why did he have to pray so softly, and Granddaddy just replied, "I'm talking to God--not you. He hears me just fine."
     My most precious memory of Granddaddy was when I took my son, the first great-grandchild, down to Okeechobee to meet him and Granny.  Granny called out to him and he came shuffling as fast as he could down the hall to meet my son. The smile on his face and the tears of joy in his eyes are something I will never forget. My mommy and daddy never saw their grandchild, but Granddaddy's joy in him was all I needed.

     I miss my Granddaddy. He was the sunshine of our family--funny, smiling, gentle, faithful, kind, loving. A little piece of him and his values are in every child, grandchild, and great-grandchild.  He's been in heaven over thirty years now, and I know I will see him again one day, but I still miss him. I miss the teasing. I miss the pinches. I miss the smell of snuff on his breath. I miss his smile that reached all the way to his eyes.  I miss seeing him reading his Bible. And I miss those quiet mealtime prayers. I'll always love you, Granddaddy!

Descendents of Willie and Reatha Jones, Oct 2014

An Udder Cowtastrophe!

     And the summer of 1960-something continues. Being at Granny's for the whole summer gave me all kinds of opportunities to do and learn things that I could not in Miami. I had already learned lessons about gathering eggs, turning bulls into steers, riding, and frying chicken. During that long summer, I had more lessons to learn.

  

One of my favorite places to visit at the dairy was the calf barn.My brother and I would beg for a trip to see the calves! The barn manager was a friend of Granddaddy's, so he'd let us come in and walk up and down, looking over that summer's calves. So cute! And so noisy as they all cried for mama! The manager had us hold out our fingers, and, to our surprise, the calves would latch on and suck as hard as they could. This was one time that I didn't mind the slime from their mouths--the babies just seemed to miss their mamas, and I was giving them comfort. Lesson 5--Those calves missed their mamas as much as I missed mine.

     However, my encounters with animals were not limited to farm animals. One afternoon, my friend and I went "walking" up and down the dairy line. On each side of the road, there were drainage ditches. Most summers the ditches were filled with water, but that summer was dry, and so were the ditches. We were just about back to Granny's when we noticed something moving in the weeds in the ditch. There it was--an armadillo! Little grey-armored bundle of cuteness! We looked at each other, and I had the idea to run back to Granny's, get a bucket, and try to catch that armadillo. Imagine my surprise, and terror, when I reached down and scooped up that critter in the bucket. Once I had it, I didn't know what to do with it. My friend quickly abandoned me, running back to her own house. I ran, as fast as I could with my arm out straight out, as far from my body as I could get it, back to Granny's. Once that thing was in the bucket, I noticed that it had large, sharp claws, and I didn't want any part of it. Once again, Uncle Larry came to my rescue. First, he suggested that we could make armadillo roast for supper. Remembering that poor chicken, earlier in the summer, I quickly said no to that idea. I did NOT want a headless armadillo running around in Granny's yard. I ventured that I could keep it as a pet, but I knew Granny wouldn't let that thing live in her utility room. Finally, Larry just did what he was going to do all along--tip over the bucket and let him loose in the cow pasture. Lesson 6--Only adopt pets you're not frightened of.
     The grandchildren would be allowed to go with Granny to the barn to play while she worked. Uncle Larry worked at that same barn. Now, I just had on flip-flops this time because my feet were too large to wear Granny's cast-off work boots any more.  Larry waved me back to the milking parlor. The cowboys let the herd in. Those cows came running in--a stampede--and I tried to flatten myself against the wall and then run toward the door.Because of those flip-flops, I just slipped and slid in the water and cow droppings. To make it worse, I looked up to see the cowboys laughing at me. I finally got out the door and waited while each cow found her place along the feed trough. Larry called me back in and asked if I wanted to see something special--the stars on the cow's teats. I was a little skeptical because I was afraid of slipping and falling, but he held my hand and took me up to a cow with a huge udder. "Go on, Donna Jo, get down real close and you'll see the star." I squatted down by the cow, got as close to that udder as I could and....squirt. I got an eye-full of hot milk. Startled, I slipped and fell right on my behind. "LARRY!!!" I was mad. He apologized, "I didn't meant to pull so hard on the teat. Go on, this time I won't tug at all and you'll see that star." So, once again I squatted, got down really close to that udder. SQUIRT! Another eye-full of hot milk. Lesson 7--Ain't no star on the cow's teat. And that old adage is true: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."